Last week I met a client for coffee.
I usually like keeping all my client interactions face-to-face because I feel that’s truly the best way to connect with someone intimately.
This particular client had been divorced for over 3 months now and as you may imagine, things haven’t been easy for her.
She was trapped in a loveless marriage for 30 odd years and finally she gathered the courage and separated from husband.
Now, most people have the misguided feeling that divorce works in the same way that a contract signing does.
2 people come together, sign a form and then go their separate ways.
It is so much more than that.
A divorce an especially trying time for everyone who is involved.. directly or indirectly.
This is what my client thought when she got her divorce.. she thought once she got away from this marriage which has been sapping her of all her happiness everything wasgonna be alright.
It was only logical right?
But no…she has been miserable because she “couldn’t get over him”, she was expecting to feel some form of relief but instead what she felt was fear and anxiety.
Its not supposed to work like that right?
But all divorced women…especially those who have divorced after years of being with someone experience this pain.
So where does this pain of divorce come from?
- You have lost a family. People underestimate how important things like communities and families are for us. Human beings are tribal people.. we are supposed to exist and thrive in communities. That’s why a family is so important. No matter how much they emotionally sap us, they are still your people, and they still exist within our comfort zone. So once you realize that your family won’t be the same again, it causes you immense amounts of anxiety.
- You have lost your dreams: When you have been with someone with so long and especially when you have children with them, you make all sorts of plans. Dreams of where you want to be 10 years from now, or 20 years from now. The moment you get a divorce, all those plans are gone and all those
- You feel like you have failed: This is where the self-blaming comes in. “Was there something I could have done to prevent this?” “Is this my fault?” “Why does this happen to me?”
And what happens when you tell yourself that you have made these mistakes? You end up feeling guilty and vulnerable.
- You have recently lost someone who you used to love or still love: This is pretty straightforward. Whether you want to admit it or not your husband was someone who was once special to you. And losing someone like that is like losing a part of yourself. So of course you feel anxious and lonely.
But as terrible as this pain feels… once it all passes over…that new lease of life that you get is something sooooo refreshing and worth it.
Change is always tough, it always feels uncomfortable…but it is something that is needed and something that you absolutely need to go through.
Think of it as purgatory before you get to step into heaven.
These pains are something that all divorced women go through…and it is something that you need to embrace.
In the next article I have something special stored for you. So stay tuned for that.
In the mean time here is the woman who has been my mentor and role model my entire life:
That’s my aunt!
She is one helluva woman.
Anyway I am out.. see you soon!